So...this is what i'm thinkin' right now

My cleaning lady is a real bitch. But ya know what? I like it. Life's about checks and balances and she keeps me grounded. She does an amazing job on my house, the place freakin' shines. Here's two convo's we've had though in the past month...

me: hey, i've got this stain on my carpet..it's just dirty water from overwatering a plant. You think you could get that up for me?

Her: Um, no. And do you know why that stain is there?
me: yeah, i overfilled the plant when i was watering it, but i...
her: no, because you didn't use 50% vinegar solution with a 50% warm water base with a terricloth scrubbing device did you??!!
me: (looking down at my feet while kicking the dirt) um, no...i'm sorry.

convo 2)

Her: Can i ask you a question?
me: sure
her: i'm only asking you this because i KNOW you didn't do it...it was done too well, but who decorated your daughters' rooms?
me: *sigh* my friends' mom did it.....

Nice lady, but a bulldog..cracks me up really. My friend Amanda offered to clean it for less money..which, i'm more then willing to give her a crack at it...but gosh, it's gonna be tuff to dethrone the incumbent.

I'm also thinkin' i'm getting really frustrated with my yard. They came out and FINALLY moved the storm sewer pipe off the house and sodded about 3/4 of the remaining property..however, it rained hard today and now i have a HUGE pond directly off my sliding glass door from the sewer cap overlowing...AND a FLOWING RIVER from the street thru the sewer pipe thru the middle of my yard. I mean a river too..it's actually bigger then the REAL river i have behind my house. I guess they are gonna talk more about it tomorrow...broken record...i ain't holdin' my breath for the a-holes.

Golf, I love it. I'm still awful...but those few wondrous shots i nail and/or crush make it all the worth while.

Remember my pet peeve about people that write checks at the grocery store? Well i got absolutely skull porked by it last week. I got in line behind a lady, who, as i had mentally predicted, being a middle aged woman with a kid on her side (which, is the sterotype i have developed for check writers) whipped out her checkbook. I was cool with it....no hurry, i had the girls with me and they were busy loading up the counter with my food to get rung out. HOWEVER, after she had wrote the check, and the cashier called over a manager to approve it, verified her drivers license, adjusted the new balance of her checking account RIGHT THERE BEFORE MOVING FORWARD and finally processed the sonofabitch, they realized she forgot to put the 12 pack of pop she had on the bottom of her cart on the check out counter. Which means..yep, you guessed it..A SEPARATE CHECK FOR THE POP!!! Thus repeating the carnivale' of crap all over again. I mentally vomitted when i saw her go back to the check book. GET A FN' CHECK CARD!! It's the same freakin thing!!! And why do people adjust the checkbooks right there?? They give you a receipt!! Take it home and do it there! Seriously!! Alright, i'm getting worked up.

The good news i'm thinkin' right now is Shan is in vegas for the week, so i have my girls for the week. The whole week. First time i've had them this long since the divorce so for that i'm grateful. I'll have had them 10 straight days before i go a day without seeing them. It will be good.

Needless to say, i'm really starting to get sick of that pool in the sub...those girls LOVE it...So, i'm there constantly. Speaking of which..when i was getting my will redone this week (for a GROSS amount of money for such little work...) i found out my lawyer owns a home down the road too...her daughter stays there. We talked about this pool...small world.

Alright, i'm done talkin' for a nite..i needed to get that out. I feel better now. Like i lost some weight or something.

Carly's party

It went really well...no awkward moments, no drama..no uncomfortable situations..just good clean 3 year old birthday party fun. The house, as i'm writing this, still has the decorations up as the girls won't let me take them down. It was a Dora the Explorer theme...everywhere.

Carly made out quite well, as i figured she would...play doh..two tricycles..wiggles and blues clues dvd's...a nice recliner...little people stuff...a nice haul all together!

Really, a really uneventful party, which was great. Shan's family and my family still got along well and her family was still more then nice with me, so I was really happy with that. The highlight of the day probably came when I went to pick up the sandwiches from Izzy's sub shop on stadium. The kid that took the order wrote it down wrong...he had it for sunday, when i needed subs for 30 people on saturday. The owner BLEW up at this kid. GD this..GD that..Mother F this..Mother F that..right in front of me..with his fists clenched like he was gonna blast the poor kid. Needless to say, i felt bad for the kid, but happy for me cause he made em' on the spot and charged me half price.

Oh, and it was also pretty sweet when Shelly was whacking the Dora pinata and knocked it's body off..so there was just a head swingin' in the breeze from my garage....

Slow bloggin month'

This has been ...without a doubt..the busiest summer i've ever had. Past week alone i've been preparing for carly's third birthday at my house tomorrow..had the builders come over 3 different times to help fix and repair things in my house...had my dead tree re-planted by the nursery, dug the holes and laid set the posts in concrete for my deck (that deserves it's own blog when i have more time), cleaned out the garage and the house...got the rest of sod laid down on MOST of my yard..stillnot all of it..and basically haven't had time to take a dump.

After saturday, shan goes on vacation, i have the girls for 12 days straight and should have more time to blog..i miss it. i'm full of things to write about ( i'm pinchin' em' back like a ruff turd right now for the sake of time and future ramblings), but will tackle em' more after this weekend. Smooth sailing from there...

I'll talk about Carly's party..which should be interesting to say the least...my forthcoming trip to las vegas for work...my deck...work...golf...my cleaning lady...she'll have a good one..and more i'm sure...till then'..i have one more hour to make it thru work without blowing my head off..wish me luck.

Josh Day

What is a josh day you ask? No, it's not sitting in front of my computer in just my boxer shorts and stiff glass of jack and coke by my side...but good guess.

Basically, it's a day that I needed to take to do a bajillion things i've been needing to do. I've been overwhelmed lately and it's been affecting me in weird ways..namely i have been forgetful, which i can't stand. I've always been the kind of guy that never forgets a thing..is always prompt on time and first to be able to make plans to do something. Lately, i don't remember what i had for lunch today, am late for everything and don't seem to be able to plan my next bathroom break.

So, I'd had it. I took off work yesterday and went to target and birthday express to buy carly's birthday stuff for the party at my house next saturday...went to mc sporting goods to buy golf shoes i needed for an outing this weekend...went to kohls to buy some new shorts for said outing (it's a nice course..radrick farms at UM...snobby bastards)..went to linen's and things to buy a fan for carly's room and some motion sensors that you stick to the windows and doors of your home so if someone tries to open them a squealing high pitched sound goes off...i needed those. From there i went to meijer to order the birthday cake..izzy's sub shop to order sandwiches for the party..lowes to get pricing on my deck and buy yet more plants for my yard...back home to plant said plants and mulch the rest of my yard...then to sylvan township to pick up my permit....(that's a different blog...freakin' nazi's...it's an fn' scam if you ask me...like dentistry, but with less legitimacy..again, another blog down the road i'm sure on that). Then back home, for a quick workout before i picked up the girls and went to olga's and the play area at the mall.

And ya know what? I feel 10 times better.

Of course, 100% of my forgetfullness could probably be eased if i just wrote shit down....i need a calendar to mark things on..i need it...yet i don't do a thing about it...i was gonna get one yesterday...but forgot...ironic, i know.

Anywho, Josh day was great. I feel MUCH better and frankly, quite refreshed..my summer has been too busy...next summer the house will be more under control and i'm gonna try not to be in so many fn' leauges of different things...I need winter to get here so i can sit down in front of my tv..and watch football...glorious, glorious football!!!

Cedar Point Part II

Ah yes...the much awaited sequel to Part I. Well, that's a lie, besides the fact it is a sequel.

Alright, The park itself: There's stuff everywhere to take your money..from the all the food stands..beverage carts..restaurants..( i hit the sports grille..which had a very average club...which in the world of club sandwiches is really not good) and johnny rockets..where the waiters and waitresses either are former cheerleaders or gay men who probably also were former cheerleaders)...coffee shops...snocone booths...guys wanting to take your picture...etc, etc..

( another sidenote here..i'm a flaming sucker for a good snocone and a softpretzel...like that's pretty much what i'd have chosen for my last meal if i was lincoln burrows in one of my favorite shows "prison break" on FOX instead of the blueberry pancakes he requested and never even ate...my point on this was the snocones down there are served in a freakin' wheelbarrel...ridiculously large..and there is a gourmet soft pretzel shop too! Yet, i had neither....strange for me to pass on those..just an idol thought there..back to the blog).

Bottom line..it's an easy place to drop your jack...WHICH brings me to the carnie games...if there's a third thing i'd want to do along with my snocone and pretzel dinner on my deathbed it would be to play a line up of carnie games run by some realy schysters. At CP i played the basketball game...you know the one..where the hoop is literally the exact same size as the ball, so you basically have to nail the shot. Plus the ball is harder then Rosie O'Donnell's nipples at a Pussycat Doll's concert. HOWEVER..this one was different...the guy..leans over and says "hey, brother, check this ball out...it's flat..take a squeeze..." which i did..and yep, it was flat.."now, the bank is always open...i'm giving you a break...try it out"..so at $2 bucks a shot, what do i got to lose right? Sure enuff, i hit my first two shots...which gets you a "medium prize" which is basically a normal sized stuffed animal...i miss the next..hit the third..which is a "large" stuffed animal...i need to hit one more for "your choice" which in this case was a giant alaskan husky. And as you can imagine..i missed my next 7 shots till i finally drained the 8th...still...no way i do that without a flat ball...it made the difference and after a little song and dance by the carnie guy i walked away with a giant novelty sized stuffed animal for about 20 bones. Love me some HCA (hot carnie action).

Now, the highlight of any good trip to cedar point has to include the momentous amount of white trash that visit the area and/or live there. Actually, the trash isn't limited to just white people. As I typed that last sentence i think back to the indian family who's father was trying to take a nice picture of his 10 year old son but his son refused to stop showing a GANG symbol for the pic..thus creating some tension in the photo process.

There was a couple in line in front of me at the raptor..who had hillbilly twangs to em'...they could have been from the tip of cincinnati, but i don't feel like giving them the benefit of the doubt..i'm pretty sure they were kentucky residents or possibly west virginia. Anywho, these two..loved cedar point. It was their second MULTIPLE day trip of the year to the park and they had oodles and oodles of unsolicited information to help make the 40 minute wait in line not only reek of deer scent and mudflaps, but also of annoying comments and educationally limited conversation.

Also spotted there was a 12 year old girl with dollar bills sticking out of her shorts like she was a stripper while she carried her cell phone inside of the front clasp on her bra. It was scenes like that as a father of two little girls made me cringe and vow out loud to beat the crap out of my kids if they ever come close to looking like that much of a whore. Scares the shit out of me....

The best tho..was first ride of the day...Demon Drop. Look up..there's a guy wearing a captain morgan's shirt..half mullet..nascar hat..and she shirt had the actualy price sticker still on it...which can happen...but when it's the size of my forearm and says $9.44 on it...it took the cake as the WTMOTD (white trash moment of the day).

Alright..that's more cedar point than any sane person would right...

Cedar Point...PART I

I went to Cedar Point yesterday.

Fun time. Haven't been there in probably 8 or 9 years. It has changed quite a bit..and for the better. I really enjoyed myself...barring the off and on small showers from early in the day..they cleared up to a beautiful night. Here's my thoughts and highlights of what some was expected and some wasn't as much.

I should preface with this...when I was young, i could go to cedar point and ride anything and everything all day and all nite. NO problems. I was fearless..tireless and seemingly ageless. Yesterday, I was fearful of some rides, pretty flat out tired by the end of the day and totally felt my age. Ah..father time, we meet again. In relation to this, since my last operation essentially fused my leg together, I don't bend like i used to. SO...there are some rides i don't 'think' i will be able to fit into..IE- the small ones where the bar crosses your lap. I have trouble with those and my biggest fear about going to the park is waiting in a long line for the ride, get up there..try to get into the car built for a 12 year old and realize i can't fit into it. So, there are rides i purposely avoid. It works out in my favor tho as a couple that i saw, i will admit, were downright terrifying in appearance.

The Millineum Force, seriously...looks absolutely frightening. I wanted no part of it...looking at the seats i was pretty sure i'd have trouble fitting, but frankly speaking, after seeing the coaster, i was fine leaving it off the schedule. Secondly, the thrill ride dragster. That one i can't even believe. You go up STRAIGHT up in the air...complete 90 degree angle..and then come STRAIGHT back down..oh, and you do a twist on the way down..i was nervous watching it go while i was in line for the other rides...again, avoided it. Sheer terror.

The park is big. I forgot how big. Never even got to go toward the back where the gemini is for instance. Just no time.

What I did ride:

The Raptor 2X: Great ride. Your feet dangle..you do about 6 loops and there's a nice little hill to taste your lunch on when you first go on....probably my favorite ride of the day

The Mantis: This was the second ride and probably the biggest mistake for a couple reasons..(some which will be addressed in my "trashy" section forthcoming) but mainly cause they only had one car running. Which meant the line didn't move. 2 hours from start to finish of the ride. The ride itself was good...except for the fact you sit on a bicycle seat that basically, if you're a guy like me, means you end up having to phsyically push your nuts back down from your abodomen at the end of the ride. Oh, plus it was raining...and when it rains on a roller coaster and you're on a rollercoaster...it hurts.

The Wicked Twister: AGain, really enjoyed this one as well. Shoots you upwards at 66 mph and you twist around completely parallel to the ground..go shooting straight backwards and do the same thing backwards. Good stuff.

The Power Tower: This one I was really nervous about heading into. Never had done it and everyone on it just screams their heads off. Went up first...where basically it feels like it will blast you into "outer space". You literally are pressed against the top of your shoulder harness from the lack of gravity as you go up so fast. Secondly, tried going down. This one was a bit more nerve racking..but surprisingly not as scary...they shoot you up again, but much more slowly...then they leave you there..for like 10 seconds..at the top of the tower..hanging on the edge...that part is the worst..then, they drop you and you free fall for about 75 feet...good stuff. Of course, I had a random run-in as i was getting ready to get shot up...The Hollis family got a ringside seat just WAITING to see my goofy expression on the ride as it shot me up. All of em' were there. So we chit chatted for awhile and went on our merry ways after the ride. I've always liked em'..super nice family. Man, i get those run -in's everywhere i go..

The Iron dragon: Adult Version of the Wildcat. Sorry Todder...it ain't as badass as it was when were 16.

Matterhorn: Adult version of a fast ferris whell indoors...fun.

The sky ride: You always have to do the skyride. Relaxing and nice just getting a load off your feet while you jetted across the park.

I'm forgetting a couple more rides in here...but thats's only because i want to conclude Part I with my thoughts on MAXAIR.

Maxair: By far, the scariest ride of the day. Seriously, i've never wanted a ride to just plain end as much as i wanted this one too. It looks pretty simple. It's just a large pendulum with about 50 seats on the end that form a giant circle which rotates around while the pendulum swings like a clock. Well, from the ground, it looks easy..once you're on it. The fun stops and the pantcrapping begins. You are way the F up there. One second you are rotating at the peak of the swing facing the sky while rotating on the way back down so by the time you reach the apex of the next swing you are completely parallel and facing the ground about 100ft up..just dangling there. The thing is..if the ride did it just once or twice, i would have loved it...really would have..however it did it 8 times!! I thought i was going to die. It wasn't fun anymore, It was scary. I got off feeling good to be alive. I've attached some pictures for your humbling amusment.

If you go to Cedar point, you MUST TRY THIS RIDE!! lol....you'll see what i mean..it's a doozy.

Part II will come soon, where i'll address the idiosyncricies of the park, the carnie games, the food, and most importantly, all the white trash that was overflowing the grounds.

The Greatest Video Game of all time

I stumbled across this on Youtube the other day and it brought back some outstanding memories. I used to play super tecmo bowl constantly growing up. All through school, high school and even to college. Myself and my friends used to have all nite tecmo tournaments. Yes, we were cool. Heck, we even used to set it up to have the computer play itself and place bets on which team would win.....

We used to close our eyes and smash the little arrow with our controller feverishly until we would randomly stop and wherever the little arrow stopped on whatever little helmet it stopped on...that was our team to we HAD to play with (actually, we got to do it 2 times and could pick the best of 2). This made for some outstanding matchups and some hideous ones..but also made us familiar with EVERY player on EVERY team on offense and defense. Some guys were basically unstoppable on off and on def...but nobody, and i mean nobody was as unstoppable as Bo Jackson for the raiders. All the great players on both sides of the ball had thier little glitches you could capitalize on that would draw your opponent to sanity when they worked...ala the 100 yard pass to jerry rice which was indefensible.... but nobody could beat Bo. You had to call the correct play every time or else he was gone...below is an example....

I've heard they are bringin out a new nintendo with the ability to play all the old games off it...if it's true...i dearly hope they bring back tecmo..that would be a no brainer purchase for me if they did..sigh..this video is outstanding for tecmo fans...we've all been there...

I have the worst luck with poop

I think i've well documented my past incidents of mishaps with the girls and their random deuces. Well, yesterday i had yet another. I swear if there is an inopportune time for one of em' to have take the Browns back to the superbowl it's gonna happen with me.

Let's digress...First off, there was a minor incident involving Carly about 10 days ago. Minor really, but still one of those that just wasn't a well placed dump. I had just played basketball and had picked up Carly from her grandma's house. Shelly was at safety town...(Thank God that is over...different blog posting one day) and I had 45 minutes to kill until i had to get her. So, i take Carly to the park across the street and figure we can just play there. So, of course with 20 minutes to go...she is climbing up a little ladder when she stops dead in her tracks. Freezes. Completely...right in mid stride. And then i see it...the look on the face every kid gets when they are takin' a dump. It's a mix of "i hope nobody is seeing this" and EXTREME concentration. So, of course, i have no diapers and Carly has a load in her drawers. Long story short, i had to fly home...change her, and fly right back where i was to perfectly time the pickup of Shelly.

Now, to the real awful story. If you don't want to be disgusted, don't scroll down...













Okay, Well i leave work early yesterday cause Shan put em' in daycare for the day so she could go golfing at her boyfriend's golf tournament or something or other. And i felt bad for em' cause they normally don't have to to go to school friday's and KNOW they would rather be home. So, i get em' up and say "Hey! Who wants to go the pool!!" To which they both explode like a pair of pogo sticks.

We change up go to the pool..and it's pretty much status quo. I'm tossin' shelly thru the air into the water and carly gets out to go play with the little water fountain people use to wash their feet off with clean water.

Then, all of a sudden..i hear the water fountain stop. I look over..Carly is looking straight ahead...i say "honey, what are you doing??" She says "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" She was focused...grunting and completely motionless. She was takin' a poop.

Now, of course, smart parents put their kids in "swimmers" Which are like psuedo diapers meant for toddlers not yet potty trained to wear in pools. Well..SMART parents do that..i of course am not one of those.

She comes over to me..just reeking of chlorine mixed with wet kid poop. Running down her legs...damn near blew out a hole in the back of her suit....just hideous. I wrap her in a towel with just wet caramel dropping running all down her and consequently all down me...throw her and shell in the car..race home...repeat the trip upstairs to the tub...and spend the next 15 minutes de-toxin' her and the unsusupecting bath tub.

Of course the deuce was massive making it all the more awful. Her swimsuit has a flotation divce built inside the liner which means...no machine wash. OF COURSE i tried too anyways...and nothing came out....so , that meant handscrubbing again.

I think i bring on these dump stories due to the fact i don't EVER plan for these worst case scenarios, so when they happen..i'm basically F'd. However, i seem to have these happen all the time and still don't prepare for em'. As always, the lesson to be learned here is i'm an idiot.